What can't kill you, will make you stronger

I dunno who actually first said this, and I won't argue because it is true. The last few months were very tough, but as always, I tried to bounce myself (other than being numb) and planned more than 1 plan. And, prepare for the worst. Started from the condition at my old-job that became more and more absurd. The final, when my ex-boss offered me another agreement, but on the other side, also kicked my inner-side. He mentioned something bloody awful about my ability because I am an immigrant (and I won't reveal any of his actual words, so no need to ask). I lost all my words at that time, but as usual, I just smiled at him and to everybody. Knowing that he is that kind of person who is capable of saying that, later on, I realized that it’s not a big deal anymore. Oh yeah, it really stabbed me. I even almost lose my confident. But I still have my pride - and I proved it when I walked away from that sickening place. Still I thought, gosh! Is that true? Am I really that bad? And so on and so on…so many questions inside my head, till I had to calm myself down and said I shouldn’t be too harsh to myself. Beside, I’ve been here only for 3 years; I still have a long road to go. When finally I’ve became sober, I knew it’s just because something wrong with him. Well, I aint gonna be too pride about myself either, so in the end, I took some of his words and I’ll use it as my whip to make me better. And believme, one day I’ll show up in front of his face and I’ll say, dude, you got it all wrong.

Anyway, it seems that one of the dark clouds had gone; I know where I should go. I finally able to place myself in a fine place with dignity. I will have one more thing to be less worried about - just have to make sure I will keep up a good work and do better and better.

The other dark cloud, still concerns me a lot. And yes, it’s all about LOVE. 1 word, 4 letters, that’s just so simple. Hm…not exactly. Many times I feel that I need to stop in hoping. Fallin in love could be so wonderful, when it happened at the right time, right person. But how about if nothing went right? When you fall in love, it's only another way that leads you into the tears and aching heart. Love is not a guarantee for forever happiness. I know that. Love has taught me a lot, indeed. I wouldn't be the same person as I am if I never fell in love. But the other side, loving someone so hard, meanings that you have to prepare for losing your beloved one. Yes, you want the best for your love, but how if nothing goes as my scenario: when the princess met the prince and be happy forever after; and not because the prince found another princess and they live happily ever after, leaving you torn apart between hoping your own happiness, and his.

Randomly I found on the in internet, that the best part of loving is not wishing that the person loves you as much as you do, but in feeling that you love the person farther that you thought you could. I can't be more agree than that. Still, you will feel your heart bleeding inside. And I won't be hypocrite and say that I am happy enough.

I've promised that I won't ever cry again; unless someone died. And so far I haven't broken my promise. I guess when you had such bad memories, it's a good teacher for your life. Nobody is willing to fall twice.

So I don't know where we would go. I'll try not to put too much hope, cause when I create the expectation, I will create a chance for disappointment. And I don't even think I will be able to compromise specially with a lot of stuff going on in my life.

But I won't cry no matter what will happen -only for the death. And what can't kill me, will only makes me stronger.