Even a dragon feels tired...

Recently, I read someone's journal. Someone who was from my past, and somehow, still linger in my present. Someone I hated so much even though there was no single reason for hating her. She was just a wrong person in the wrong time......

The thing that is bothering me, I think she is doing great now. Life treats her nicely, and she admits that. She has a much better job and much better life than me. Oh yeah, maybe she was struggling first before she could achieve what she has now. Everybody was. But, the big BUT, our present time are so much different now. I have been jealous with her ever since in my past (for a different reason, but yes, I was jealous, let say because of reason A). And now, reason A had disappeared, but here comes reason B. Much bigger, and, it's currently happening. It's not in the past that I can forget, but it's in my present that I have to face it. Now it looks like that her life is in the right track, and my life? I don't even know if there is a track for me......

I know, I should not have this feeling. No reason of still knowing her, or following her. But I am just human, and jealous is normal for human, right? For sure, I really have envy for her. Except that it is distressing me. Now I look UP to her, and I look DOWN to me...I see how my life has nothing, and how her life has everything that I want to have and keep. A good job in a damn big company, a loving stable lover, and of course, money. She got a chance to go to the great school thanks to her parents, and now starts reaping her crops, while I am still struggling collecting the green stuff. I still have a long long way to get there...to be in her position right now. Sometimes I don't even know if I could...And the worst thing, I did hate her, and now, I think I could start hate her again...feels like your enemy gains everything in the battle you can never win.
I know, I am doing not bad in life...but, it's just ok. Regular. Average. I want to do better, and get the best of life.

The funniest and strangest thing is, that we both came from the same land. And now? I came here, and coincidentally, there she is. Everywhere I go, I have her shadow in front of me, not as a guidance, but more as a nightmare...

I don't mean to be so cynical, maybe I am just in deep down under stress and pressure. The pressure of the life that offers me nothing except struggling.

Even a dragon feels tired...