Lately I have this odd feeling inside me. And now I keep questioning myself: where am I at, where am I going to? Is it really worth what I have done so far? It's not that I can't be grateful of what I have now, but I just don't know if I made the right choice?
And strange enough, how this girl from the past -whom I used to hate with all my breath, and lives at the other side of this country- feels the same way. How solitaire she is, how she feels the loneliness, how she doesn't care with the world anymore. Everytime I know more about her, I feel that I am mirroring myself. No wonder that one time my ex couldn't make his mind up and make a decision.
I grew up in loneliness. It has covered me so close then I feel so much comfort for being alone. I ain't a complete anti-social person, but I still enjoy myself in a solitude. I remember my early adulthood (or late teenager?), how then pain came and torturing my life. I was young, naive, and so blinded by love. I remember broken heart, endless nights with tears on my face. I wasn't deeply in love with someone, but I was deeply in love with myself. Thought I was a princess and when I found out that I didn’t have the world, I was torn. There was time when I had to hurt my own body so I didn't have to feel the pain in my heart. There was time I had to cut my flesh so I didn’t have to bang my head on the wall. There was time with no sleep, and I was awake with cigarettes and alcohol. Thanks God I kept some of my brain that I didn’t touch any drugs, at all.
I was hurt, and I know I hurt someone else too.
Then came when I thought I was almost to become a complete person, till the pain came again. Infidelity, dishonesty, disgrace. Questions that I had to answer, and an answer that I never had expected. That time I wasn't crying anymore. I ate so many tears and pain that I had no strength to cry. Another endless nights, and though I was much closer to Him at that time, I still took a very deathful decision, and even until now, I don’t know if God will ever take my sin for that. I regret what I did, but there was no turning back. I have to keep move on and living my life with a bloody memory.
I put all those things behind now. Trying to live a new life. Some memories are not able to forget. I gained what I have now with my own. And how sometimes I am still amazed how I become so independent now. I still don't have the world, but now I know I am not a princess and I am not expecting more.
And then in a perfect time when the blue moon comes, I feel so much alone. And I realized how being independent has made me even closer to the loneliness. I know I’ve made my choice. The best one that I can do for the sake of the most important people in my life now: my parents. And it’s ironic, how I hope to make them happy by being thousands miles away from them.
Yet, this is just a life, not a perfect life. I, who comfort the solitude, finally feels lonely.
And I'll keep my questions, and a prayer to answer them....
